More and More Jokes

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex,
how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him.
He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops
the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain.
She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says,
"How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?"


A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.
But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy
in the audience stands up and says
"I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up,
" You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"


One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he
saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then
took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by
raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to
show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"


With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."


John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and
instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer
immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen
the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."


Two idiots landed themselves a job at a saw mill.
Just before break time one yelled: "Mick! I lost my finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... Damn! There goes another one!"


Mary had a little lamb.
Her Daddy shot it dead!
And now she takes the lamb to school,
Between two chunks of bread!


A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself.
However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while
the scientist was well received and respected.
Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw
his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.
He was arrested by the local police for...
making an obscene clone fall.


A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he
decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under
the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has
it calibrated so her weight on the bed will not drop the
spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than
that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect
it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is
reaches under the bed and retrieves the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter....


One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw
a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his
friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and
looked. The two boys were looking at a women bathing naked in the stream.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally he
caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt
something get hard so I ran."


A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their
house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,
let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make
sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said,
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"


Three men died and were taken by St. Peter to the top of a cliff.
He said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth...that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff...jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an eagle", instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff...jumped into the air and shouted "I want to be an owl", instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted "oh Sh*t".........


Rick's wife was out one day searching for the perfect gift for Rick's
upcoming birthday. While walking by a pet store, she noticed a sign that read
"Hey ladies, we have the perfect gift for your man".
Curious, she entered the store and asked a young clerk about the sign.
"Our frogs are able to give a man the best oral sex he's ever had," the clerk replied.
Rick's wife, tired of Rick's constant requests for oral sex, thought this would be the perfect gift.
Rick opened his gift on the day of his birthday and, upon seeing the frog, gave his wife a puzzled look.
"Just take it into the bedroom and you will get the best oral sex you have ever had."
Rick shrugged his shoulders and did as he was told.
One hour later, Rick's wife, worried about Rick, barged into the bedroom.
She saw Rick and the frog surrounded by and studying all manner of cookbooks.
What are you doing, honey?" his wife asked.
Rick replied, "as soon as this frog learns how to cook, your ass is out of here..."


A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency
department when a punk rocker entered. This young
woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety
of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis and
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found
that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:
"Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery,
the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said:
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


A salesman was traveling on his route. As he reached the offices of his biggest customer a huge blizzard began to rage outside. His customer found the storm so bad that he could not make the drive home so the salesman offered to let him share the double-bedded room that he had rented nearby. The customer thanked him and they retired for the night.
In the middle of the night the salesman felt a hand on his privates. Possibly the other man was dreaming. But there was no mistaking it when he felt an erect penis against his lips.
When he returned home he told his wife the story. "What did you do?" she asked.
"What could I do?" said the salesman. "He was my best customer."


Jim and John were out playing golf one day, but Jim was being very quiet.
"What's wrong?" asked John. "You've barely said two words all day."
"Well." said Jim "My wife's been working so much overtime lately that she's cut our sex down to only once or twice a week."
"That isn't so bad." replied John "She's cut me off completely."


The census taker asked a girl to name her occupation.
"Whore," she answered.
"I can't list it that way, Miss"
"OK, then put down prostitute."
"I can't do that either."
"How about chicken farmer"
"Chicken farmer?" he asked.
"Well, last year I did raise nine hundred cocks."


Maw told her son Clem to check out the family outhouse.
"Ah, Maw!" he insisted "Thar tain't nothin' wrong with it"
"Well, poke yer head on in thar and check it anyways."
"Hey Maw," He suddenly hollered, "my beard's stuck!"
"Aggravatin' aint it?" replied Maw


An American was traveling on a train in England with an Englishman and an elderly Englishwoman with a pet Pekinese.
After traveling a short while the dog threw up all over the American's pants.
Instead of apologizing the Englishwoman pets the dog and comforts it saying "Poor little baby has a little tummy ache."
A few miles later the dog lifts its leg and pisses all over the Americans shoe. Again the woman pets and comforts the dog. "Poor itsy-bitsy has a cold in the bladder."
After another few miles the dog shits all over the Americans other shoe. Furious the American grabs the dog and throws it out the window.
At this point the Englishman speaks up: "You Yanks are a strange bunch. You speak the wrong language. You drive on the wrong side of the road. And you, sir, have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"


Two blonds were comparing notes after their company's annual Christmas party.
"Did you get laid?" the first one asks.
"Yes, twice." replies the second.
"Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the band and once by the shipping room crew."


A young couple decided to hide in a barn during a rainstorm. They made their way up to the hayloft and were soon going at it. They were having so much fun that they decided to stay the night.
The next morning the farmer heard the noise and came running into the barn shouting, "What's going on in here?"
"We're living on the fruits of love," they yelled.
"Well you better stop." said the farmer. "The skins are killing my chickens."


A little boy got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. On the way he passed his parents open bedroom door and saw his mother giving his father a blow-job.
He continued on down the hall scratching hi head and muttering, "And they sent ME to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."


What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Your dog at the back door is barking to get in and your wife's at the front door yelling to get in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."


The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."


Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."


Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.


There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.
The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".
The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".
The third lady slid down the bar stool.


A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"


A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."


This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your penis?"
The waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT."
The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is Secret."
The waiter asks, "SECRET?"
The customer replies, "Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"


Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke.
The third little old lady would have had a stroke................ but her arms weren't quite long enough.


A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."


A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son "Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."


A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"


A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand, and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it." "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. ....By the way, where's the men's room?" The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy, face down, and spread eagle on the floor. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my God!" says the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy says, "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."


Where do fags park?
In the rear.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.

What does DNA stand for?
National Association for Dyslexics.

Why can't Barbie and Ken have kids?
Cause Ken comes in a box.

Ask your mate: "What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?"
When he responds: "I dunno" You say: "Well at least you're honest!"

What does a constipated mathematician do?
Works it out with a pencil.

What is 69 + 69?
A feast for four.

What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.

Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
Because she was too big for the 'b' shells.

Most of us worry about getting AIDS from sex,
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.

What does a condom and Kodak film have in common?
They both capture that special moment.

How are bungee jumping and a hooker alike?
Both cost you $100,last for 15 seconds and if the rubber breaks you're screwed.

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"


Q: What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
A: PUMP-KIN!!!

Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"


A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: "We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell."
Man: "That's not so bad, whatcha got?"
Devil: "Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity."
Man: "OK."
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: "Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next."
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: "That looks worse, got anything left."
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: "Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one."
Devil: "Are you sure this is the one you want."
Man: "Absolutely!"
The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."


A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"


The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Soccer Match.
Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."
The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.
The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildy for a week with just the nod of my head."
The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."
A split second later the Pope Head butts her......


A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."


A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award. So he goes to the Vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope.
"Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. We would like to offer you a million dollars to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer."
"Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed! Be off with you!" replies the pope.
" Okay then two million" retorts the salesman.
"How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight" shouted the pope beckoning to the guards.
"As my final offer, three million dollars" shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door.
The pope then turns to the cardinal and says, " When does our contract with the bakery expire?"


A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American.
When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear...
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."


Jesus goes into the Hilton hotel, walks up to the desk, throws three nails on the counter and says to the girl, "Hey do you think you can put me up for the night?"

The Bible professor dropped the stack of essays on the desk and looked into the sea of anxious faces.
"Everyone passed," he said, "with the exception of O'Dolin."
The young student looked up with genuine surprise. "Professor," he said, "I thought my paper on Jesus was revolutionary!"
"That it was," the professor agreed, "though I hardly consider it proof that Jesus was Jewish simply because he went into his father's business, lived at home until he was thirty, and had a mother who thought he was God. . . ."


Mr. Brent was being walked through Hell by one of the devils. As they entered the cave that was to be his new home. Brent was delighted to find it filled with champagne bottles and beautiful women.
"Say," he muttered, "this doesn't look like a bad way to spend eternity." The devil snickered as he closed the iron gate bheind Brent.
"Sorry to disappoint ya, fellah." "What do you mean?" Brent licked his lips, "I can't thank you enough! This is fantastic!"
"What I mean," said the horned creature, "is that the bottles all have holes in the bottom . . . and the women don't."


An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply. Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned."She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she does have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White. "



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