Even More Jokes
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a house of prostitution."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then
peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch".
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she
is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do
have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your
buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine." Replied the cop. " Another thing, ma'am. I don't like
the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of
his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals.
Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the
lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is
broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" 'I'm not sure,
Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
A blonde, new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc. etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked," That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names. "
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today!
The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!"
Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're an American."
Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today!
Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!"
And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're an American."
The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's
height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm an American?"
His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse.
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There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!". Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of these loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window, and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
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Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
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On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with bass and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really." God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
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An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.
During their first intercourse the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
"Crap," said the ant, "five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."
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A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
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A man was driving down the street when he saw a little boy with a fireman's hat on sitting in a little red wagon being pulled by a black lab. He thought that this has to be the cutest thing I've ever seen. I've got to stop and talk to this little boy. He got out, looked and said "Son, that sure is a nice fire engine you've got there but, don't you think he would pull a little better if you had that rope tied around his neck instead of his balls?" The little boy looked at him and said, "Well, I guess he'd pull better but, then I wouldn't have a siren!"
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A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day.
The black guy says, "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team."
The white guy says, "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team."
The Mormon says, "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf course!"
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Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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Q: What do you call two cannibals having oral sex?
A: Trust
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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church
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A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any sign of progress, suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not," The doctor replies. The head pops back in. The obstetrician goes over to check out the situation. The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "Nope, I didn't do it." The baby pops back in. The doctor calls the father: "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out -- he keeps asking for his father. Would you please come to the delivery room?" So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are YOU my daddy?" Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your lucky father!" The baby starts tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father's forehead and asks, "This is pretty annoying, isn't it?"
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"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied ...
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!
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Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him: "My hands shake so bad, when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing! My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times
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Why are there a few Marines on every Navy ship?
Because sheep would have been too obvious
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Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."
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It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"
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Q: What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and apologize.
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Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
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Q: Why do they call it P.M.S.???
A: Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
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Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes
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Q: Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Do you have any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
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Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."
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Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
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Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie
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Three Canadian guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Newfie says, "I'm a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
With a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Quebec.
The Albertan asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."
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Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.
The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.
He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"
The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
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