More Jokes
Two campers were aroused one night by the sounds of a huge bear tearing up their campsite.
Realizing that the bear would soon make its way to their tent, they started planning their strategy.
One of the campers started putting on shoes.
His buddy said "Hey, even with shoes on you'll never outrun that bear".
He replied "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you".
Wanker is a term of the past, the politically correct term is now
"Owner Operator"
My wife loves her self-cleaning oven.
Personally, the way she cooks, I wish it would flush too.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take
us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's
haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,"Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The other
alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him...!", but, before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200
meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the
one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed
us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one
thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis
he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!
The general was inspecting the army hospital. He stopped at the first bed and asked: "What's your
problem, soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir," the soldier replied. "How do they treat them?" the
general wanted to know. "The nurse comes in the morning and brushes them with medication"
said the soldier. "Any complaints?" "No, Sir".
The General stopped at the second bed. "What is your problem, soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir."
" How do they treat them?" the general wanted to know. "The nurse comes in the morning
and brushes them with medication," said the soldier. "Any complaints?" "No, Sir."
Then he stopped at the third bed. "What is your problem, soldier?" "Tonsillitis Sir." " How do
they treat them?" "The nurse comes in the morning and brushes them with medication."
said the soldier. "Good! Any complaints?" "Yes Sir, I have one. I would like to be the first to be brushed."
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.
One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that
she was being fired. He started the conversation with:
"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without
you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
A salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. It's opened by a 4 year old boy who has
a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whisky in the other and a hard core porn magazine tucked under his arm.
The salesman says, "Hello sonny. Are your parents home?"
The little boy replies, "What do you think?"
The little bunny is sitting in the forest and typing the computer. The fox walks by: "What are you
doing little bunny?" "I am working on my thesis." "What is your thesis about?" "It is about
how the little animals in the forest can protect themselves from the big predators of the
forest." "Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that" "Come, on, I
will show you." So they go to the back of the bush, the fox flies out, dead.
The next day the little bunny is again sitting in the forest, typing the computer and the wolf walks
by. "What are you doing little bunny?" "I am working on my thesis." "What is your thesis
about?" "It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect themselves from the big
predators of the forest." "Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that"
"Come, on, I will show you." So they go to the back of the bush, the wolf flies out, dead.
The next day the little bunny is again sitting in the forest, typing the computer and the bear walks
by. "What are you doing little bunny?" "I am working on my thesis." "What is your thesis
about?" "It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect themselves from the big
animals of the forest." "Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that"
"Come, on, I will show you." So they go to the back of the bush, the bear flies out, dead.
Then the lion comes out of the back of the bush: "See, little bunny, I told you that it is not
important what your thesis is about, the important thing is who your promoter is!
So, Mickey Mouse goes to his attorney's office. It turns out he's decided to divorce Minnie.
The Lawyer says to Mickie, "Mick, you can't just divorce Minnie because she's silly."
Mickie replies, "I'm not divorcing her because she's silly;
I'm divorcing her because she's fucking Goofy!"
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his
bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.
I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd
be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really
wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was.
And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here for you Eve? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the door
of erotic sex shop. Obviously totally unstable on her feet, she
shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally
arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?'
The clerk, politely but ernestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do....many models in fact."
To this the old woman asked, "Ddddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa bbblackk
ooone tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd abbouttt tttwoo iinnchesss thththiiickkk?"
Clerk: "Yes"
Old Lady: "Ccccccannnnn yyyyouuuu tttellll mmmmmeeee hhhhowwww
tttttoooo tttturrrnnnn ttttheeee fffffuucccckkkkkkingggg
tthingggggg offfffff????"
Q. Did you hear about the gay man that put a nicotine patch on his dick?
A. He`s down to two butts a day.
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
Q. How many animals can fit into one pair of pantyhose?
A. 10 little piggys, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an invisible fish!
What do you feed a Trojan horse?
A latex lollipop!
Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her
hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years.
Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it dies.
The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy."
It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out.
Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes!
One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to
investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying
him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Mongo shot
back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!'
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
If women are made of sugar and spice... Why do they smell like fish?
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest
issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know
that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him
wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says,
"O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her
face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm
sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled.
"Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger.
"If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"
"I'm telling you, Carol, I've never been happier, " Betty told her friend. "I have two boyfriends.
One is just fabulous...handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate." What in the
world do you need the second one for?" Carol asked?" "Oh," Betty replied, "the second one is straight."
How will you know when you need to replace your woman?
Put a finger in each hole, if you can snap your fingers, you need to replace her!
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.
Have you heard about the latest parachute for morons?
It opens on impact.
Q: Why do Scottish shepherds were kilts?
A: Sheep can hear a zipper
Once there was a little boy and girl taking a bath together. The girl looked between the boys
legs and said, "What's that? Can I touch it?" The little boy said, "Of course not, you already
tore off yours."
Why do women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it dry, so they blow it dry.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women
than motorcycle gangs.
What sexual position do you use to have an ugly baby?
Ask your parents.
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Q: What is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe!
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What's tougher than a pitbull with AIDS?
The guy that gave it to him.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather to tantalize your lover.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A doctor phones his patient and tell him "I have good news and bad news"
"OK" the patient sighs, "What's the good news"
The doctor replies " The good news is that you have 24 hours to live"
"That's the good news? Well what's the bad news then?"
"The bad news is that I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the fucking safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," she replies. "We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it," he says as he waves the shotgun in a threatening manner.
She pries the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband.
"There," he says "It's not that fucking difficult, is it?"
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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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A nervous young bride became irritated by her new husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his new wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the wife, " Much better! "
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
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There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.
Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.
With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.
He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."
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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
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Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy
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A guy walks into a bar, slams a twenty dollar bill down and tells the barman to get him a vodka. The barman serves the drink and enquires about the problem. "I just found out my brother is gay" says the guy. "Man, that's tough" says the barman.
Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar again, and slams another twenty dollar bill. Then barman again enquires about the problem. "I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow, you family is fucked up" says the barman.
Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and says: "Hey, doesn't anyone in your fucking family like to sleep with women?"
"Yeh", answers the guy, "my wife"...
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Q: What do you call a combination aphrodisiac and laxative?
A: Easy Come, Easy Go
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Q: Why don't women's vaginas fall off?
A: Because the vacuum in their brain creates a natural suction.
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Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung.
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A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear- splitting scream."
"My dear," the shrink says, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up!"
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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. He's pretty depressed about it. Another resident comes up to him and says, "Hell isn't so bad. You can have a lot of fun here. Do you drink?"
They guy answers, "Yes I do."
"Well you'll love Tuesdays. On Tuesday we drink all day. Anything you like, as much as you want. And you don't have to worry about becoming an alcoholic because your already dead. Say do you smoke?"
"Yes I do."
"You'll like Wednesdays then. That's Smoke day. The best cigars and cigarettes all day long. You don't have to worry about getting cancer either because your already dead. Do you do drugs?"
"Yes I have on occasion."
"You'll like Thursday then. You can have any drug you want, as much as you want all day long. You don't have to worry about overdosing because your already dead. On Friday we gamble. Any game you like all day long. Are you gay?"
"No, I'm not."
"oooh, You're gonna hate Saturday."
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A big union leader decides to go to a whorehouse.
He goes to the first one and asks the madam, "What percentage does the house get and what does the girl get?" The madam replies, "The house gets 80% and the girl gets 20%."
The union leader says, "Why that's outrageous.....I'm taking my business elsewhere!"
At the next place he asks the madam the same thing. The madam answers, "The house gets 60% and the girl gets 40%."
"Not good enough!" says the union man, "I'll take my business elsewhere, goodbye."
He goes into the third place and again asks the madam how the fee is split. The madam answers, "The house gets 20% and the girl gets 80%."
The union leader says, "That's more like it." He then spots a beautiful blonde and says, "I'll take her."
The madam answers, "Oh no you won't! See that old bag in the corner? That's the one you're having........she's got seniority!"
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A man boards a plane and is surprised to find himself seated next to a parrot. After take-off he asks the stewardess for a coffee and the parrot squawks, "Get me a whiskey, you cow!" The stewardess glares at the parrot ,leaves, and comes back with the whiskey but forgets the coffee.
As he reminds the stewardess about the coffee, the parrot drains his glass and yells, " And get me another whiskey, bitch!"
Quite upset by now the stewardess goes for the whiskey but again forgets the coffee.
The man gets tired of waiting and decides to try the parrots approach, so he says, "I've asked you twice now for coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass."
The next moment both he and the parrot are yanked from their seats and tossed out the emergency exit.
Plunging downward the parrot looks at the man and says, "For someone who can't fly you sure are mouthy."
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A doctor tell his patient, "Well I have good news and I have bad news"
The patient says, "Lay it on the line Doc. What's the bad news?
The doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it."
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How many Rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
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Cathy had a little car
And it was painted red
Everywhere that Cathy went
The cops picked up the dead
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Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The rest escaped with minor injuries
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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass
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What's the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you finish with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.
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What's the first symptom of AIDS?
A heavy pounding in the rectum.
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How can you tell if you've had a really good blow job?
The sheets are sucked up your ass.
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