Jokes
"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and
asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his
wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you
were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I
sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember, only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose. The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken." Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
How Do You Know If You Pass An Elephant?
You Can't Get The Toilet Seat Down.
"Wanna play horse?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, I'll be the front end, and you just sorta be yourself."
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket
and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman,
my wife appears out of nowhere."
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink
jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The
next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the
usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. Each side would have five years to
breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter to rebreed. After five years
the biggest meanest dog the world that had ever been seen had been bread. Its cage needed
steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for
the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a NINE foot long
Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way
that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were
opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the
American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
opened it's mouth and consumed the entire Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", one of the American
replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look
like a Dachshund."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"
What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster & more muscular
than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about &
hunting fleet-footed ruminants, & not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before his father can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,
"Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing
the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon Mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me
and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by
his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a
man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing
this several times. One day he came home from school and heard her
moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran to his room, took off his clothes,
threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
"Oh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire
lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for
examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand. "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said Little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand.
With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds
and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And
he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved, but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first mouse looks over to
his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?"
The second mouse quickly replies, "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!"
"Well, why not?" inquires the first mouse.
"Well," reponds his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding
my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and
if somebody hadn't thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
Station #1:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
Station #2:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South
to avoid a collision.
Station #1:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Station #2:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Station #1.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Station #2.
This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.
A fourteen year-old boy nervously tells his parents that he's no longer a virgin and is surprised
when his father says, "Well, I guess there's no way to stop a healthy young fellow from
doing what comes naturally!"
Relieved, the boy says, "right, Dad! Thanks for not getting mad!"
"I only hope you were as careful as possible," says his mother, "and that you'll continue to be
careful in the future."
"Oh, yes, Mother! Nothing to worry about! In fact, my ass is so sore I won't be doing that again
for a long time!"
Harry has been going to the beach every day since summer started,
getting hornier and hornier, but he can't seem to meet any women. One
night he's having a drink in a place on the boardwalk when he spots an
old friend walking past with a gorgeous girl on each arm. Next day he
meets the same old friend and asks him what the secret is.
The friend tells him, "It's simple: just slip a sweet potato in your
trunks and take a stroll along the beach. You'll soon have all the
women you can handle."
Harry thanks his old pal, stops at a vegetable store on his way to
the beach, buys a good size sweet potato, drops it in his trunks and
starts strolling on the beach: Nothing happens on the first day, the
second or third day. On the fourth day he runs into the old friend who
gave him the advice, so he takes him aside and tells him the sweet potato
trick isn't working for him. The friend looks him over sadly, leans
closer and whispers, "Harry, try putting it in the front!"
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
What did one lesbian Frog say to another?
"Wow, we really do taste like Chicken."
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Did you hear about the new home appliance?
You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework.
Why did god invent alcohol?
So fat women can get laid too.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this?"
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology class."
Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and
then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided
to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
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What's the definition of rodeo sex?
Mount your wife from behind, grab her ears, and tell her this is how your girlfriend likes it.
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged.
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How is a Cajun zoo different from any other?
Most zoos have a plaque with the name of the animal and its habitat in front of the cage,
Cajun zoos have a plaque with the name of the animal and the recipe
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What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings
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What's a gross ignoramus?
144 times worse than a regular ignoramus
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Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up?
Roomers are still flying.
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A guy goes into work with a really bad hangover. His buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night huh?". They guy says "I'm so ashamed, last night I went home and blew chunks." His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times." The guy says "You don't understand....Chunks is my dog."
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What is 96? 69 for dyslexics
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How many men does it take to open a beer can?
None, the bitch should have it open when she hands it to you.
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A guy goes to the doctor and says " Doc my pecker has turned orange." The doctor takes a look and says "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work a chemical plant?" The guy answers "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing...you already told her twice.
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What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
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What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
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What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives
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What has 4 legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull
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What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities
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Why will a rattlesnake never bite a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman
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What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa
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How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in a blender and strain out the fur.
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Why can't you trust a woman?
How can you trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
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Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.
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How to impress a woman....Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, protect her, wine and dine her, listen to her, support her, hold her, love her.
How to impress a man.....Show up naked, bring beer
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A cop was sitting in his car outside a bar waiting for the drunks to come out. Sure enough a very drunk man soon staggers out. He stumbles around putting his keys into different cars until he finally find his. He gets in and fumbles around some more trying to get the car started. The cop watches him and soon the lot is empty and they guy is still trying to start his car. They guy finally gets the car started so the cop stops him and gives him a breathalyzer test. It reads 0.0. The cop is stunned and asks they guy how can you be so drunk and get a reading of 0.0. The guy answers "Because I'm not drunk. I'm the designated decoy."
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Santa asks a little girl "What do you want for Christmas?"
The little girl says "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the girl and says "I thought Barbie comes with Ken?"
"No." says the girl "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."
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Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
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How heavy are 4 elephant testicles?
Very! It takes 2 elephants to carry them.
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Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?
It rips off your arm, then runs for help.
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Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four way stop at the same time?
The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."
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What's the best part about marrying an ugly person?
In 40 years they won't look any uglier.
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What's white and goes up?
A retarded snowflake.
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Have you seen the new medic-alert bracelets for epileptics?
They say, "I am NOT break dancing."
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